Sex: Relaxation and Beyond

When we think about relaxation there many things we think about: a massage, a vacation, a glass of wine and so on. One thing we might not immediately think of is sex. However studies show that sex (and orgasm) reduces stress, pain and helps you sleep better. All things that help you relax, improve your well-being and quality of life. These are great benefits we might not have considered and lose sight of when we are caught up with all the day-to-day concerns. How often does sex get pushed to the back burner? What do you notice for yourself when you have sex consistently and when you do not? I invite you to consider treating sex as a vital part of your well-being. In addition to things related to relaxation, it improves heart disease, burns calories and improves intimacy.

However if we were to boil it down to the simplest thing, sex provides pleasure, which has us feel good and be relaxed. I was just speaking at a conference in DC at the end of March where I heard Dr. Joycelyn Elders, former US Surgeon General say “It’s time to admit sexuality is about pleasure.”

I’d assert for many people we still have a hard time with the pleasure piece. We have a lot of questions, confusion, shame and fear in America when it comes to sex. We get a lot of mixed messages of what’s “normal” and what’s “weird”, what’s too much sex, what’s too little, as a culture we use sex to sell things and yet are often afraid to talk about sex openly and honestly. We let things get in the way of us experiencing full joy and pleasure when it comes to sex.

So what to do about it? One of the first things is to start building some awareness of where you’re at with your sexuality and where you’d like to be. Here are a couple of questions to consider:

1. How empowered are you about your sexuality on a scale of 1 to 10?
1 being lowest, I have a lot of fear and shame around sex…
10 being I feel full joy and pleasure around sex

2. What gets in the way of you experiencing full joy and pleasure when it comes to sex?

3. If you were to consider creating three goals for yourself and sex, what would they be?

Now comes the fun part! Are you willing to take some action to create that? Do you need some support?

Reflect: a Year and a Mirror

I love this time of year. New Years Eve bridges the old and the new years. As we celebrate one year ending we are also celebrating the promise of the one ahead. Whether it happens on January 1 or sometime in January, it’s a great opportunity to take stock. It provides a time to reflect on what’s working in our lives, what’s not working and also thinking about what’s next. The promise of the next 12 months is one of possibility and the options are limitless.

Before you know it, January will be over and then it will be February and March… We’ll be in a routine. Will it be the same routine from last year or will you have created someone new in your life to have you reach your goals or dreams? Do you have a mirror to reflect the things you don’t see?

Coaches are a mirror. They are a neutral surface that can reflect the spinach in your teeth – whether that spinach is self limiting beliefs, how you let circumstances get in your way or when you are making choices in reaction or from fear. A coaches job is be unbiased, stand for you operating at your greatest and to reflect what you can’t see so you can choose actions and ways of being from awareness as opposed to auto-pilot.

What projects, goals or dreams could you use a mirror for? Contact me if you’d like to explore what coaching could provide for you.

Heat it Up!

Ready to Heat It Up?

Join us for the seven day challenge. We are not talking about seven days of self deprivation. But seven days of integrating pleasure into your life.

Choose the same fabulous thing each day, or pick a new one. A walk in the park, a belly laugh, a random act of kindness. Maybe you have 10 items on your well-being tracking sheet and you want to go for 100%. You make the call, but check in and share your secrets as you Heat it Up for seven days.

If not you then who? If not now than when?

Heat it Up! Creating Pleasure as a Priority

In our busy lives we often get caught up in the next deadline or goal and often lose sight of the importance of pleasure. What would happen if we switched the conversation from I don’t have time for it to creating pleasure is a critical part of my wellbeing?

Check out this workshop event and teleseminar series and invest some time in seeing what’s possible when pleasure is a priority!

Yes, No and the dirty “M” word

So this blog post should free up some mental energy and some time in your calendar. Ready?

When you’re asked a yes or no question, how often do you actually say Yes or No? Or are you someone that often relies on the dirty “M” word, Maybe?  Yes, I said it.  Maybe is dirty word in my book.

Why would maybe be a dirty word? It simply means perhaps or possibly. That doesn’t sound so bad does it? However let’s consider how people most often use it. Most often it’s an escape hatch to not commit one way or another. It can be used as a delaying tactic, a way to say no without saying no, a way to not choose. Maybe sure sounds like a great answer when you got invited to a charity dinner you’re not sure you want to go to, or you get offered a drink by someone at the bar or your friends invite you to go for an early brunch and you love to sleep in. It’s so much easier to say maybe and hope they won’t ask you again. And yet, they often do.

I’d assert you can save a lot of time, mental energy and create more power for yourself if you eliminate maybe and try one of these two other options:

1. Create a counter-offer
This means you ask for what you want while being sensitive that they asked for what they want.
Example:  Would you like to come with me to the charity event on Saturday night? No, however I would be willing to donate some money for their fundraiser and we could meet for lunch on Sunday. How does that sound to you?

2. If you’re a maybe, say no.
If you really haven’t decided yet, consider just saying no. That way they don’t keep checking back with you and if you change your mind you can let them know.
Example:  Can I buy you a drink? No thanks.

For both options there is movement to resolve something in the moment versus leaving people hanging. How much time and energy would you save for yourself and for others if you tried this?

The first option I discovered while in coaches training with Accomplishment Coaching. The second option I discovered through an organization called “Cuddle Party“. Both are great tools to broaden the range of what’s possible.

Practice/Action: Practice eliminating maybe from your vocabulary using the two options listed here. 

Share what happened when you eliminated maybe from your vocabulary.

**Stay on topic and keep it positive.**

Opening Up Our Minds

I had an opportunity to be a guest writer for Jennifer Daure’s blog – she’s a fellow coach and colleague. I’m including an excerpt below with a link to her blog with the full post:

One of my favorite things to do to open my mind is to travel or to read.

When I travel, the further the distance I go the more time I have to separate from my routine. It becomes a process of disconnecting from the automatic day-to-day habits and the familiar and becomes a process of winding down. I stop relying on what I know and start getting really present to what’s new: new people and language(s), new sights and sounds and new experiences. It’s all an opportunity to immerse myself in the moment. Read more

The Danger of Pursuing Perfection

For my fellow high or over achievers out there, many of us live life wanting to get “it” right or get “it” perfect. “It” might be the desire to deliver perfection on a project at work or never having a fight in your relationship or succeeding at a new skill the first time you try it. “It” might even be wanting all of life to look picture-perfect down to the perfect wardrobe, the perfect apartment, the perfect night out.

Logically we know we’re human and humans make mistakes. We know that even people in healthy relationships may get upset about something and get in a fight from time-to-time. However if we get in an argument, we may judge ourselves for getting angry and being irrational. We might replay in our head the place in the presentation where we got nervous or forgot something while neglecting to remember the overall positive impact of our talk. Focusing on the mistakes or the imperfections in whatever we do can become a pattern that we don’t even think about anymore.

You might also be saying, no not me, I don’t expect myself to be perfect. So let’s stop and think a minute. Do you typically diminish your achievement by pointing out what you did wrong? Do you deflect compliments and are self deprecating? Is there anything that you’re currently not doing because you don’t think you’re good enough at it? Is there something that you’ve been putting off because you’re worrying of being judged or you haven’t come up with “right” way of doing it yet?

I have a great one of my own to share, this blog. I haven’t posted anything since January. I wasn’t coming up with the “right” next topic. I kept putting it off until I would come up with something that would really make a difference with people. It had to be perfect. The perfectionism led to procrastination, anxiety and lack of connection with others.

A definition of perfection “is the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.” That leads to a definition of perfect is “entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings.”

Let’s compare that to extraordinary. A definition of extraordinary is “exceptional in character, amount, extent, degree, etc.; noteworthy”.

Perfection starts becoming a destination that you can never reach so you are always failing. It robs you of you enjoying what you do accomplish and the opportunities to try new things that you don’t know how to do yet.

I’d assert that if our goals shifted from being perfect to being extraordinary and/or excellent, we’d find ourselves spending less time being hard on ourselves and more time enjoying the process of working towards excelling in all that we do.  We have the power to choose which path we want to pursue.

Practice/Action: Notice when you are seeking perfection vs creating excellence over the next week. 

What happens when you notice perfection vs creating excellence. What shifted?

**Please avoid explicit and specific details, stay on topic and keep it positive.**